Mother Nature

 

Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off, one drive goes to the right, and one drive goes to the left.

One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process, she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag, looks at her, and says:
"I am Mother Nature, and I do not like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

She screams back, "WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!"

 

 

The Ladle

 

Anne invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how attractive Anne’s roommate Nicole was. She had long been suspicious of Anne’s sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anne and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading her mom's thoughts, Anne volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Anne and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Nicole came to Anne and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Anne said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her an e-mail just to be sure." So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Anne received an e-mail from her mother which read: "Dear Anne, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Nicole, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Nicole. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

 

 

Mom's Home Cooking

 

 A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"

"Well... yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women down below?"

Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"

 

                                                                                                                                

The Rash

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.” She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash. The doctor replies, “Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love.” The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks. “My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.

The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her chest. “Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?” “No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”

 

Elements Of Butch

Element Name: BUTCH
Symbol: DUH
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with FE any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with other Duh for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known.

Caution: In the absence of FE, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

 

Elements Of Femme

Element Name: FEMME
Symbol: FE
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

 

 

The Gynecologist

 

A lesbian went to the gynecologist one day, and as the doctor is examining her, he remarked, "My, aren't we clean today."

"Yeah," replied the lesbian, "I have a woman who comes in twice a week."

 

 

Light bulb Joke

 

How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
19! One to change the light bulb and 18 to make a documentary about it!

 

 

Butch Jokes

 

What is a butch's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

 

Why did God create butches?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

 

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed butch?
Her girlfriend is good at picking out clothes.

 

 

Femme Jokes

 

How many femmes does it take to change a tire?                                                                   Two: one to call AAA and one to whine about the grease on her skirt.

 

Why don't fem lesbians go on dates?                                                                                       Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig when you've got Mary Kay on your face.

 

 

Cats and Dogs

 

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny Femme Lesbians in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!

9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny Butch Lesbians in little fur coats.